This year’s holiday started off like countless others; a huddle of us consuming drinks quickly before the uncomfortable guests arrived. I figured it would turn out the same, too. (Harmlessly dodging mouth kisses and eating too much cheese dip.) Boy, was I wrong.

In my family, we like to not talk about things. Many of us would rather get horse hair stuck in a tear duct than sit in tight quarters with every one of our relatives. Don’t get me wrong, most of these are delightful folks but there are a few that ruin it for the whole bunch. At our Thanksgiving, there was one gem in particular that made it her mission to shine nasty on what she perceives as the village below. (That would be us.)

My Uncle’s wife (no, I do not claim her) must have fallen into a large hole filled with sharp toothpicks earlier that day because when she arrived she still had quite a few lodged deep within her nether regions. As a result, it turned out to be a painful evening for a lot (or alot as she likes to spell it) of people. Without getting into specifics, she ignored my mother (the kindest woman alive), kissed up to my Nana and was Preachy McPreachyPants to anyone who’d listen. (Not me.)

Whatever. I had fun. Too much fun, as you can see by the good role modeling I am demonstrating below.

(Like YOU’VE never started a cupcake fight before? Pffft.)

The next morning, much to my surprise and dismay, there was an email from my Uncle’s wife awaiting me in my spam folder. At the risk of catching a potentially harmful virus, I opened it because the subject line proved too hard to resist.

Subject: You lied about Christmas‏
From: My Uncle’s wife
Sent: Sat 11/28/09 9:38 AM
To: Kimberly; Barbara (Kimberly’s saint-like mother)

Contextual lie
One can state part of the truth out of context, knowing that without complete information, it gives a false impression. Likewise, one can actually state accurate facts, yet deceive with them. (Yes, this was in bold)

You both are deceitful and underhanded. Kim I called you 3 times this year because you were on my mind alot. Bob and I wanted to visit with you personally to see if we could get past your perceived problems. You didn’t even have the decency to return any one of my calls. Now you are having Christmas at your house when we expressed our heart felt desire to have Christmas at our home this year. You are single-handedly ripping this family right down the middle. You tell everyone else how much you miss your relationship with your uncle yet you have not visited with us once in all the time you have been living in Virginia. You are telling everyone one thing and doing another. That is deliberately deceitful.

We have made up our minds that we are not going to associate with those who don’t have our best interests in mind. We can see clearly now that you don’t care enough about us and will not be bothering you anymore.

Signed,
My Uncle’s wife

You may actually think, after reading this email, that my Uncle’s wife is a kind woman looking to reconnect with her family. And she would readily agree with you. Without boring you to tears with tales detailing years of her judgmental and dysfunctional behavior, let’s just say she’s the C word. (Whatever that means to you.)

So, let’s recap: She called my Mommy and me a lair. On email.

What followed was nothing short of a short and swift email war. It could be (it was) said that I went too far with some of the points I drove home but it was all true so who the hell cares if it was said out of anger. I was angry, dammit.

I won’t go on and on and print the emails (maybe tomorrow) but let’s just say the ball is in her court at the moment and this “trophy wife” is already bored to sleep by her opponent’s lack of intellect. Besides, anyone who stands up at the Ritz Carlton High Tea and says the word “clitoris” more than once needs serious help. And maybe we shouldn’t make fun of people like that.

Bonus question for those of you playing at home: What is the plural form of the word “clitoris”?

A. Clitori
B. Clitorises
C. Clitorami

** I would be greatly remiss if I didn’t thank my wonderful cousin Meredith and her most awesomest husband Joe, for being the best hosts and sports in the whole wide world. And for loving me anyway. MWAH!**

Share it:

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!