Historically, I am my own worst critic. Without a beat of preparation, I could rattle off a litany of personal issues I’d like to address with a dermatologist, a stylist, a personal trainer, a nutritionist, a plastic surgeon and you if you’re still reading this. But I don’t think there’s anything outstanding about that mindset in any way. I believe most people would admit to the same. Am I wrong?
For the past few months, hell, for the last 9 months, I have given myself permission to let myself go a little…for the greater good. In Nov, as I watched cancer destroy the best animal I have ever known, I gave up smoking yet again. I have not had one puff since and whenever I’m tempted, I think of Lillian and how much her short life meant to me…and how she was stolen away by cancer.
In 2009, even though I continued to teach aerobics regularly, my weight crept up. I wasn’t ignoring it but I knew that by not smoking I was a healthier person..and yeah, maybe I was giving myself a little elastic waist band time to grieve. I’m not going to lie, I ended up seeking therapy to deal with Lillian’s death. Call me crazy if you want but when she died, a big part of me did too and there were a few days that I really didn’t think life was worth living. I can read this and see how upside down it looks…but I can only tell you what is true. My heart was completely broken and things began to go wrong.
It was almost spring and I was almost divorced before I realized that I had a full blown depression on my hands. With the help of some amazing people and the universe, I’m dealing with it and back on the good side of things. Actually, I’m better than good…I’m awesome. I feel happier now than I’ve felt since I was a kid. Every day, I am almost giddy over how much I love my life. My body? Not so much. I know I have some hard work to do before I am back to my normal size and this time I’m going to have to do it without smoking.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I just opened up my Gratitude Challenge task for today.
“Stand in front of the mirror for five minutes and focus on at least five things that you love about yourself.”
I know I’m heavier now. I know because my clothes don’t fit me and I won’t dare get on the scale. I know because when I say things like “I know I need to lose weight” to my friends and family, they don’t correct me. Instead, they change the subject or say, “It’s funny because you workout so much…”
So, although I could sit here and list of more than fifty things that I am thrilled with about my life, looking at myself in the mirror for five minutes and telling you five things I love about myself presents a huge challenge. So much so, that instead of doing it, I wrote this lengthy post about why I’m currently procrastinating the task.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
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Hugs, hon… want me to start for you?
Your beautiful hair, great smile, pretty eyes…
… That you are an inspirational mother to your two wonderful daughters! That you are the ‘connector’ who keeps the family together. That you’re not afraid to jump into something new and give it a try especially when it comes to your creative skills – writing, photography, cooking (just not knitting or crocheting… ha!!). I think you are still in the ‘becoming’ stages of who you really are and who you will eventually be. And I am patiently waiting to be awed!
PS your tomatoes are the best!
So, wait. Are you supposed to find 5 things you love about your self or 5 things you love about your body?
I’m sorry I wasn’t the one to tell you that you looked fabulous on Friday. If you had said to me, “I need to lose weight” I would have laughed and told you that when you yanked my fully-clothed kid out of your pool, I was just noticing how defined and slender your shoulders looked.
But I get it.
I agree with the earlier post, is this supposed to be about your inner or outer beauty? Either way, I could write an endless list about you but I know it is harder to think of specific attributes about yourself rather than somebody else. I can tell you that I love how well you listen. You are always there for other people, ready to listen and provide support. I love that you are the kind of person that people can look up to and trust.
Also you’ve got great boobs! And your skin is radiant and your feet are perfectly normal – no toes are bigger than your big toe!
Mary & AM,
It says, “Stand in front of the mirror for five minutes and focus on at least five things that you love about yourself.”
So I was thinking outside not inside.
And, you are a loving daughter and aunt. On many posts you write super nice things about your extended family. That’s something to love — a big something!
It’s not like you’re overweight, just a pinch bigger than skinny? Pfft, I used to fret about that, too, then I got wrinkles & gray hairs to distract me from that.
You look fabulous.! AND, you’re younger than ME. You can change your weight but you can’t change your age.
Also, you deserved to be so upset over Lillian, she had a very important role in your family. I think, since your husband is gone a lot, Lillian was really a true “companion”, and being a large dog, she was also like your protector. And of course,(like I feel about my dog) a dear friend.
As women, it’s so hard to actually “see” what our bodies look like. I have the same problem. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I’ve weighed as much as 210 lbs. I’m at a healthy weight of 150 lbs. right now after losing 25 pounds (the same 25 pounds I’ve lost EVERY summer for the past four years.) I still don’t think anyone would call me skinny, but I’m trying really hard to realize that I look pretty damn good for a 40-year old woman. No matter how much weight I lose, I don’t think I will ever look in the mirror and think my body is perfect. So I’m trying to learn to accept and love myself, and not strive for and obsess over what society would consider perfection. I’m fine with being a size 12.
Oh, and there’s nothing weird at all about going to therapy for the loss of a pet. They’re our very best friends and give us the most unconditional and non-judgmental love in our lives. (And they CERTAINLY don’t care what size we wear.)
Kim, I don’t know you personally; but from everything I read here, I think you’re great! I think one of the best things we can do is learn to just give ourselves a break and go easy on ourselves. You’re OK!
[...] Someone I’ve heard of created an interesting post today on Petroville Blog Archive The Good is Much, Much HarderHere’s a short outlineYou have other people trying to do the same, and you would want yourself to win this one. Some lapses may occur at times, but do not worry. keyword Of course, the habit has made ignore the and taste which enslave them to. They also know at the back of their mind that they have to soon, and some that they can do just that with ease, so they and enjoy their while they keep the day they will quit which will never e heed of the following and follow them. After a few minutes, you will get the desire creeping up again. If this is your first time, you will encounter difficulties. They understand how hazardous it is to cigarettes. Non-smokingEvery faces an option every now and then reality. You will be smoking again a few times, but a letdown is a nice way to acquire experience and use it [...] [...]
Thank you so much for your honesty. You know because I’ve told you how much you’ve helped me in just a little time. Because you share, we don’t feel like we’re alone. And there are so many of us out here!
I was smacked by some truth spoken in love by a dear girlfriend yesterday. I’m embarking on a radical change in the way I eat and live just to begin. I have a feeling it will do wonders with how I feel about me on the inside as well as out. I’ve dubbed it “Operation Truth in Love”. I’m seeking help this time to keep me accountable
You rock sister. And don’t you ever forget it.
Ugh. I noticed recently that when I mention or complain to someone about my weight, they don’t correct me any more. Which just makes it worse because I KNOW I’m overweight. I just want someone to say I’m not to make me feel better for a 1/2 second.
My self-esteem is so mental. When I’m feeling depressed, like I am now, it’s hard for me be positive abut my body. But I know the minute I’m feeling confident about myself and my body, that’s when I’m happier, no matter what weight I’m at.
But I am starting to work out tonight. It’s my goal for the week. I even set the clothes out on the bed so I can change as soon as I get home!
I don’t know If I said it already but …Hey good stuff…keep up the good work!
I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,)
A definite great read..Jim Bean