Tuesday, December 2nd 2008
Thanksgiving was oh-so-wonderful. My cousin, Meredith hosted Turkey Day ‘08 in her lovely Virginia home which is only 45 minutes away from me and thus even lovelier. Her brother, my cousin, Thomas was the Master Chef and cranked out one hell of a spread. To be honest, I’m a wee bit afraid to cook at Christmas after such high marks. On the other hand, I can’t do any worse than last year…unless we set the whole bloody house on fire.
Here you see my sweet-faced cousin showing off her super powers. What the camera couldn’t pick up were the laser beams that shot out from her eyes. I told her we should make this into a greeting card.
It would read something like, “Thanks for coming. No, really…I love this shit.”
On the drive home, the kids chattered back and forth about the day, the food and their thoughts on certain interactions. When I heard my 13 year old daughter describe the following exchange with her cousin, also 13, my head snapped up from its post-dinner too much wine & turkey nappy-nap.
(Don’t worry. My husband was driving.)
“We were teasing each other and I said that he was probably going to marry her.”
(talking about someone on TV – you know, because THAT happens)
“That’s when his mother called him gay.”
“WHAT???” I said, almost giving myself whiplash.
“His mom said that he was never going to get married. That he was gay.”
“Was she kidding?”
“I think she was teasing him but it was weird.”
“YOU THINK????? Who SAYS things like that? I guess that’s an acceptable put-down in her world. Oh, man we SO should have brought up the Prop 8 issue at dinner.”
I turned to my husband. “On what planet is it okay to tease your child by calling them gay? Where was I? Did you hear this?”
He calmly replied that he didn’t hear anything of the sort and then he reminded me that sometimes a story may be retold differently than it actually occurred. Right. Um, yeah. Point taken.
It was on my mind so I brought the conversation up the next morning at my mother’s. I relayed what I had heard fully expecting shock and something like, “Oh Kim, I’m sure she didn’t say anything like that.” But you know what? They both heard her say the same. damn. thing.
I was appalled all over again on too many levels to mention. Most of all, though – I feel sorry for the kid. I see it as nothing more than thinly veiled verbal abuse. Apparently, he is growing up in a household that allows such personal violations and encourages them as sport.
For the record, my cousin has never stated publicly that he is gay, straight or otherwise. At 13 (or any age for that matter), who the hell knows or cares. I’m disgusted by my aunt’s remarks and sorry that they weren’t made in my presence so that I could have called her out on them. Instead, I used the instance to reinforce to my children how bigotry has no place in our household.
Soooooo, Thanksgiving was wonderful. (It really was.) And as I told you, we picked names for Christmas this year. I’m convinced, after a certain amount of reconnaissance, that my aunt (the gay-caller) has me and I’m left at a loss. You mean she’s COMING TO MY HOUSE???
I smell trouble in Petroville this Christmas.
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I ♥ Jenny, Amy, Jodifur, Kathleen, Heather B., Leanne, Raehan, Aka_monty, Ceressa, Atomic Bombshell, Backpacking Dad, ChrisinNY, Unga Chunga, Sherry, Miz S, AM, NGS, Kristabella, Jean-Luc Picard, Bobbe, and Skipratt.
WOW best looking blog I’ve seen yet, very impressive!!
Man, I guess I was hoping that she really didn’t say that but with two eye witnesses there really is no doubt. Maybe that’s why he has social problems.
hmmmm..and don’t get me started on this issue..what is the matter with people and what rock have they been under- shame on her!
I have been so down since the election because of prop 8 passage- my Juliana cried at the defeat-she worries that people can’t just love whom ever they love and can’t imagine a world were people are told it’s wrong..but they did grow up in SF and I guess sadly some places still have closed minds- but I never dreamed that it would be the beautiful state of California! That’s great your able to talk with your kids and let them know how wrong your aunt was-grown ups can often act worse then the kids!
The joys of Christmas to follow..
Same kind of stuff happens with my family. Except half of my family prefers racial slurs and throwing around the N word far too frequently. It makes me sick. One year, I ended up crying and leaving the room because I couldn’t handle the fact that my mom’s sister is such a racist. And is teaching her kids the same.
At 13 they know. Just saying.
I don’t think it’s okay to tease about it, but maybe it was more of an acceptance thing. Like, I know you’re gay and it’s okay?
Or maybe it was cruel. Who knows?
That picture of Meredith reminds me of the picture you snapped of me last year as dinner was about to be served. Maybe you should keep the camera out of the kitchen, just a thought.
I can definitely confirm that our aunt made the comments your daughter claimed. I keep thinking I should have said something but I know it would have caused more problems and I would be to blame, not her.
Ah, I can’t wait until Christmas!
At least your kids know where you stand. Your aunt is an ass. But I guess you already knew that.
That picture is wild. Did out come out like that on purpose?
Some people use the word “gay” as “stupid” or something like that, maybe that is all she meant. Which does not justify it in anyway, I’m just giving you some insight on it.
Oops meant to say about the picture …. did it come out like that on purpose?
I must be tired or something.
I love the picture – I couldn’t believe the look – it’s so hysterical. We all know that ‘I’ve had enough – get out of my house’ look! Whose picture will it be next year!!?? I lucked out – AM picked my name – too bad for you!
I call my kid retarded when she’s acting ridiculous. I say it in a silly way, and usually laugh or roll my eyes along with it. Does that make me evil? A bigot? Slighted against those with mental handicaps?
It’s slang. So is “gay” – and a bunch of people who use the term to describe their sexual preference can’t change that.
I’d say it needed to be heard in the appropriate context, and not pass judgment.
Well in my household we do tease my daughter about being gay- only because every single one of my daughter’s friends are either out or in the closet. When we tease we are actually doing it admiringly and telling her it would be great because it would be so much easier- just one more “girl” in our predominantly female family. One can only hope it is something like that. (Not sure we would have done it at 13, but yeah we do at 15.)
Leanne,
WOW.
Call me super sensitive but I would never call my child “gay” or “retarded” to tease, be funny or as slang. I don’t care how many eyes you roll, I think it’s wrong, hurtful and bad role modeling all around the block and back. I’m no mother of the year but I think your justification is a flimsy one. The slang excuse doesn’t hold water – not when everything you do and say makes an impression on your children.
I just don’t get why anyone would make those verbal choices. There are so many other things to say…
I wasn’t justifying anything – you may feel the need to judge your Aunt for what you believe was an extremely poor choice of words – you asked a question, and all I did was answer it honestly.
I did talk to (my daughter) about it this morning, she didn’t see the use of “gay” as any kind of sexual reference, she interpreted it as slang, as many do. I also asked her if she ever felt my saying something she was doing was retarded ever made her feel like I was insulting her, and she said no – because the context is not a serious one. My kids know what’s appropriate and what isn’t, and what is insulting and hurtful. And I, too, know when and where to draw the line.
(Yes, there are other words to choose, like “crazy”, “nuts”, “off your rocker”, etc… all of them, if misconstrued, can be taken and twisted into insults.)
Well, it might be used as slang, and I know some people in my family use it that way. But it’s not like it can be called “slang” and left at that. It refers to something as stupid or unwelcome because of the link between the term and homosexuality, not just accidentally.
And even if we could divorce the term from it’s semantic origin in this case, when the conversation was involving marriage it just doesn’t seem at all plausible that the aunt meant it in a slangy way rather than in a way that deliberate refers to the boy as a homosexual.
Oh yikes. That poor kid!
Kim, I’m with you on this-just because your using words “lightly” doesn’t mean they still aren’t put downs- if your making fun of someone and calling them a name like “retarded” when they do something goofy- then your meaning is that being a ‘retard” is something to make fun of- in our house we don’t use words like that-retarded- is that word still used?
I think if you had a child or family member with mental disabilities- you won’t like the conotation of that word-whether used lightly or not?
as far as teasing about being gay- do we call people “hetero” as a joke- i think not- so to tease with calling someone or something “gay”-like that’s something to made fun of…no! It’s just common sense-there are lots of words we don’t use to name call anymore because we know better now.
‘Gay’ & ‘retarded’ may be considered slang now… just remember that so did “nigger”, once upon a time.
Does anyone like hearing THAT? No?
And to ANYONE who calls their kids/spouse/friends GAY or RETARDED… why don’t you think about how you’d feel if YOU and/or your kid/spouse/friend was truly either of those things.
Not so freakin’ funny then, is it?
Kim, you know I’m sensitive to that sort of thing anyway, having a mentally retarded son, so I’m firmly on your side and at your back.
And Leane, we don’t really know each other, but saying you or your kids know what’s hurtful or offensive but still using words like gay and retarded is antithetical.
The only way calling your son “gay” would make any emotional sense is if he had told you he was gay and you were simply explaining that to his cousin.
You are a much better person than I am to not try to escape holidays with the wrong kind of family……
Since I did not have any kind of conflict during holidays growing up, I just can’t bear it now. It makes me want to explode and disappear at the same time, which literally makes me feel as if I’m going crazy. Thus, every once in a while we find a reason to spend Christmas away from it al.
We had a great Thanksgiving with my family this year, though.
To anyone directing comments toward me – no, you absolutely don’t know me, and I’m sorry that Kim is using my comment as some sort of testament to how horrible parents can be. If you knew me at all, you would know better.
For sharing something personal with someone I thought was a friend? I am sorry.
Leanne, I don’t think Kim is using your comment as a testament to how horrible you are nor do I think that you simply shared something personal with a friend. You wrote it as a comment on her blog which is pretty public. Of course people are going to react because try as I might, I do not find anything remotely funny about calling your child ‘retarded’ or ‘gay’. Hell, I give my adult friends a knowing look when they refer to something as ‘gay’ because they think it’s slang. It isn’t. I don’t think you’re a bad parent and even though your child is older s/he might still slip up and refer to someone as retarded – even in jest – and that person might not find it all that hilarious.
It’s like when some kid my brother was friends with learned that using the N word was funny and ‘just slang’ from his parents. He used it with my brother and ended up with a black eye and suspended.
Thanks for the great laugh – I really needed a good one – and I love that photo… Perfect! Calling your kids gay, retarded, anything like that is just plain stupid… imho of raising 4 kids I regret all stupid things I have said and my kids figured out pretty early that Mom here is not perfect and I must say I never called them gay or retarded – How crude is that!? At least I did something right. Praying your have a peaceful Christmas ☺
I cannot even express how wrong it is to use words like gay and retarded or retard as an insult. It teaches children that there is something wrong with being gay or retarded. And if they were gay, I can’t imagine coming out to people who have used what you are as an insult for years.
Good luck at Christmas. I call these holidays forced fun.
Oh please.
Such self righteousness..
None of you can sit there and try to say you’ve never jokingly called your child a name. Goofball never crossed your lips?
I don’t mean in anger. I mean while just goofing around.
We’re not so politically sanctimonious in our house that we’ve never used the word “retarded” out of context, and if you’d step down off your throne, you’d admit you’ve used it too.
I applaud Leanne for her honesty. She’s the only one brave enough to admit she’s not politically perfect. Geesh.
Amy,
I don’t think anyone is being self righteous here – or claiming to be politically perfect. We all make mistakes as people and as parents. My post was highlighting one such example that members of my family witnessed.
And for the record, I can be quite certain that I’ve never “goofed around” and called my child “gay” or “retarded”.
Thanks for your comment.
I feel like I’m going out on a limb here….and I’m feeling kind of weird for NOT feeling guilty.
But when my son and I are talking or goofing around I’ll ask him if there are any girls that have their eye on him or vice versa – he generally laughs and says no so I follow it up with the loaded question of “well are there any BOYS then?”.
It’s all meant in fun and kind of as a tease but a ‘hey that’s okay too’ kind of tease.
Still though, definitely teasing and laughing.
I guess it’s all in the person it’s coming from. In my every day actions (by actual discussions about gay marriage and the impact of our vote on election day) he knows that my belief is that it’s not whether your gay or straight but that you are loved and should be able to love/marry who you choose.
I’ve been known to call something retarded on occasion. Slur? Sure, maybe it is. I certainly don’t mean to offend. Have I ever said “blind as a bat” or “what? Are you deaf?” You bet. Slurs? Sheesh, I would hope not but in this day and age…probably.
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