Like all teenagers, I made attempts to bend, break and even shatter the laws that governed me. There were times that I succeeded and then there were others that I fell flat on my face and learned a healthy lesson from my shortsightedness. I was raised with the belief that questioning authority was fine as long as it was done respectfully. In the end though, in my family, the rules were the rules.
Now as the curse reads, I have another in my house that is just beginning to behave as I once did. Although I know she’s going to have to be a hell of a lot smarter than I was to get anything past me, I quiver with the knowledge of what lies ahead.
As a mother, my challenge is in keeping the balance. I want her to trust me enough as a friend to confide in but I need to be the boss as well. Not making her follow the rules, however mundane they are, or constantly going behind and fixing life so that she is always successful seems to be the wrong choice most of the time. I think that path leads to soft adults. Adults that live in their parents’ basement well into their 30’s.
What’s your outlook now?
I wrote about an experience I recently had with my teenage daughter at DC Metro Moms.
Check it out and tell me if it’s what you would have done.
I was very afraid of my parents. In our house, you just did what you were told to do or else. There was no talking about anything, ever. My parents were mean. My father was violent. He hit me and my siblings with anything handy, from a broomstick to a belt buckle. Yes, we were very afraid of him.
When my children were teens, I did have rules that I expected them to follow, and if they didn’t there were consequences, but I don’t think I was as mean as my parents were. And, my children all knew they could talk to me about anything that was on their minds.
My mom was hella strict but also psycho. The strict part is good, the psycho part… Well, obviously not good at all. Be tough but fair. That should work swimmingly!
I flew under the radar when I was a teenager. My parents had plenty of rules, but most of the time they had no idea what I was up to. I hitchhiked, experimented with drugs, skipped school, etc, etc. Somehow I made it through to the other side relatively unscathed. I kept a VERY close eye on my own daughters, and I think they had a much safer adolescence than I did.
Ok, Im jumping in again. I am finding more in common with you than ever. I also have a 13 year old daughter in the 8th grade. (and a 15 year old Sophomore boy and 18 year old college freshman boy, yikes!) I am more of an enabler. My daughter is not a thrill seeker at all, none of my kids are. I have allowed them to stay home from field trips to amusement parks because they HATE roller coasters and are mocked mercilessly for not going on them. But, in the instance of a field trip with a purpose such as team building etc. I probably would have sent her also.
I have to say that so far, my teens have not rocked the boat with rule breaking. Not that I know of at least. Maybe they are just better at hiding it. I know I was. We try to be reasonable with rules and treat our kids with the same respect we expect from them.
Good Luck! Julie
I think you did the right thing.
I think in today’s society we shelter our kids from too much. They have to learn how to cope as adults when they grow up and if we give in to it what is that saying? When they do grow up with responsibility of a job and a “dumb” boss comes along. What do we do, “call in sick”???
It is hard to be the enforcer but it pays in the end. What I have learned is, it is so much easier to say, YES than it is to say NO. NO is hard work.
I understand wanting to be a child’s friend so that they come to you. My mom wanted to go down that path very, very badly.
Ironically, it was precisely because I knew my mom thought of me as a friend that I didn’t want to go to her at times - because I worried about how she’d react personally, rather than seeing her as a source of wisdom and advice.
My parents where never our friends. I am very glad of that. I refuse to be my children’s friend. I am their mother. The only mother they will ever have. Friends will come and friends will go but I will always be here. I am their mother.
I would have done the same thing. Even if it was dumb, she found out for herself and maybe next time she will be willing to take a risk because she survived one before.
I minded my parents. I don’t know why. I wasn’t afraid. I just simply didn’t have the desire to see how far I could push them. That was the first 20 years of my life. My dad died when I was 19 but my mom says that the last 20 years I have been the source of much more worry and concern than I was the first 20. Who knows why?
I don’t think my children are going to have that same fashion of discipline that I had and my mom reminds me all the time that they aren’t going to be like me and I’m going to be miserable trying to force them…grrrr
I left home at 18 and never returned. I loved both of my parents but I definitely needed to go. I turned out O.K. So they get the Credit.