Monday evening, I loaded up the girls and drove through the floods to attend a book signing at Borders Bookstore in Bailey Crossroads, VA.
Let’s just say that this Borders was not at all prepared for the droves of pearl-clad-cardigan-wearing women that poured in from the rain to meet and hear Jen Lancaster read an excerpt from her newest book, Such a Pretty Fat. This was apparent as there were only 25 chairs set up at 7pm when I arrived. By 7:30, the crowd had grown to 80 - at least.
As luck would usually have it, I sat with a cast of characters. In the row directly in front of me, sat Ben and his mother. I knew nothing of Ben beforehand but quickly came to know how important this event was for him. He was primping and preening and fidgeting and looking over his shoulder for Jen. It wasn’t long before a line from Top Gun popped into my head and made me giggle.
Because unless you are a fool, that boy is off the market! He is 100 percent prime time in love with you!
Maybe he’s not “in love” with Jen but holy mother of all, was he excited. How could I tell for sure? I think it was the only man standing ovation he gave her afterwards. At a bookstore.
One of the million cell phone pics he took.
The other character that warrants mentioning was an older lady that happen to sit right next to me, of course. She plopped down in the chair to my left and started chattering away like she was my mother. It just so happened she had never heard of Jen Lancaster but she thought the title of the book sounded interesting so she wanted to see what it was about. I lost her at the word “blog” when she asked me how I knew about the author and that was fine with me.
As Jen entered on time and looking lovely, Ben and all the rest of us were pleased as punch. One of the Borders employees took the microphone and began an introduction.
Welcome to Borders. Please join me in…
WE CAN’T HEAR YOU. THE MIC ISN’T ON.
Yep, you guessed it. My mother (not really) was shouting at the poor Borders girl and getting her all frazzled before she even got two sentences out of her mouth. And there was Jen, waiting to speak, while we were all held verbally hostage by my mother (not really but at this point everyone thought so) who was going to have the volume adjusted or freaking else.
At last, Jen was able to communicate with us. She read a hilarious excerpt from her new book about yoga, which only made me love her more, and then took questions.
Afterwards, we were called by rows to line up for the signing. I was in row four.
When it was finally my turn, I was surprised to discover that I was nervous. So, I did as I always do, I was an oaf.
Hi Kimberly. Thanks for waiting. It’s so nice to meet you.
Um. Thanks. Um, I think we met last year at Blogher. Cheeseburger party?
Oh, yeah….I was drunk.
We all were.
What’s the name of your blog?
Petroville.
Oh, I remember you.
You do?
Sure. You know Susie.
Well, um, yeah. I used to write for Mamarazzi when it launched but I kinda got fired.
Oh?…I’m sorry.
Actually, that’s not true. It was my fault…so I fired myself.
Oh.
Like she wanted my stupid blog life story in which I am more of an idiot - to her friend?!? Hello??
And my foot-in-mouth disease went on from there. (I totally sounded like I carried a watermelon.) I think we talked further about Blogher and I remember mentioning Penelope Trunk…but it’s a bit of a blur. I was all tasty-toes and dumb blonde girl from then on out. (Not that I’m blonde right now but hair coloring DOES NOT change your insides, you know.)
Anyway, she was extremely patient with my babbling. I was fairly sure I had just about pestered her to death as she signed all three of my (her) books but I couldn’t stop myself from asking for a picture.
As she stood to pose she said, “You have really pretty hair.”
“Thanks!”
It wasn’t until I saw the following picture today that I realized two things.
1. That Borders employee sucks at taking close-ups OR I am slowly disappearing.
2. I think I annoyed Jen enough for her to (almost) give me a great, big yank.
Looks like I got out of there just in time. What do you think?
PS-
Jen,
I’m sorry I was/am such a doofus. I thoroughly enjoyed your reading and seeing you again.
Next time, we can get crunked and you can totally pull my hair for real.
xo
Kimberly
The great disappearing act….
Was it perhaps the Border’s employee that your mom heckled?
I wish I could go to Blogher…”crunked” never sounded so fun.
Jenns last blog post..D: Up From the Ashes
Jenn,
Yes and no. My mother (not really - you get that, right?) was heckling in a sense but not on purpose. This lady felt fully entitled to say and do whatever she pleased. One of those senior citizens that think their 65 years on this planet has earned them as much respect as the Queen of England. Kind of like my Nana (again, not really).
And about Blogher. What do YOU MEAN “wish”?? I thought you were going this year?
I carried a Watermelon. hehehehhehehehehhehe
Miss Britts last blog post..I’m going to go ahead and call it BrittCon
You’re not alone. We should start a doofus club.
Musings last blog post..The weirdness that is me
I think she was just touching your pretty curls
catnips last blog post..crazy crazy day
This is a hilarious recap! However, knowing you, I”m sure you were not as nervous as all that! May the Cheeseburger Party tradition continue….
Suburban Turmoils last blog post..To My Darling Husband
I really adore Jen. She’s my favorite Republican.
Also, you were at the cheeseburger party?? I keep ‘meeting’ people who were there and every time I think “Wow, I must have been drunk!” I remember very little.
Heather,
I am a very shy girl. Hard to believe?
You’re going this year, right?
L,
I’ve changed my travel plans. I WILL be there for the cheeseburger party this year. WOOT!
There are so many authors I would feel that way about. I am nervous just talking to regular folk, much less someone whose work I admire.
And you do have pretty hair, but yah, looks like she’s about to yank it.
debutaunts last blog post..Sending out some B-love
Oh, NOW I know why people look at my pearls funny, I’m supposed to wear a cardigan and not a Harley t-shirt?
annies last blog post..I Know You Don’t Come Here for Thought Provoking Conversation…
You didn’t sound like a doofus. Everybody can getacase of the nerves at a time like that. Her book does sound interesting though. I will have to go grab a copy for myself. maybe she will come to a borders in Va Beach, VA.
Erins last blog post..No Recital For Kayla
oh, she’s totally pulling your hair. That’s hair pulling if I’ve ever seen it.
Shamelessly Sassys last blog post..The Peen Magnet
Authors make me nervous, too.
Jen Lancaster was probably just trying to guess what conditioner made your hair so shiny and soft!
Jennifer Hs last blog post..The music
Squeee! I love Jen Lancaster! And I still say stupid things around her all the time!
Kristabellas last blog post..Yes, I Am Cultured