God…they were right. All of those grumpy, buzz-killers that told hopeful, starry-eyed 18 year old me, “Kimberly, you really should go to college and get your degree.” and “You never know what life has in store for you.” and “You’ll need something to fall back on.” and “What if you don’t find a husband that will cut your meat for you?”.
Ugh. I HATE it when they’re right. Yeah, yeah, I’ve amounted to way more than they thought I would when they stood and passed judgment over 21 year old pregnant, fat-faced me. “Well, Kimberly, what are you going to do now?” and “You two sure have a hard road ahead of you.” And the looks. Oh, the looks.
Fast forward 10 years, start from nearly being on food stamps and end in a nice, big house on the hill. My husband worked his heart out and it paid off. Meanwhile, I worked mine at raising our girls and making a home for our family. Anyone looking in from the outside would think we have the perfect life. And we do have a great life – but nothing is ever perfect.
What happens when your kids are in school all day, your husband works full time and you have completed all of the projects that you’ve taken on in your life recently? I’ll tell you. You have the time to look at your almost 35 year old face in the mirror, silently scream and then ask it some serious questions, “Now what?” and “What the hell are you going to be when you ever grow up, Kimberly?” and “Why are you so damn pathetic anyway?” and “How are you a powerful role model for your daughters?”. All good questions.
I know I want to do something that’s not nothing. The nothing eats at me and turns me sour. I lash out due to the gaping void of my identity and it wears on my marriage. I talk about finding a job and they say, “But you don’t have to work, do you?” and “What about the kids?” and “What kind of work will you find anyway? I mean, you never got your degree.” And there we are.
I DON’T KNOW! I know I need something to sink my teeth into but I feel so lost as to what to bite. I am without a driving passion to push me in any direction. I have been here most of my life and it’s so exhausting. Those people that know what they want to do are the lucky ones. What a blessing to have direction and validation.
Can we say mid-life crisis? We could but this has been Kimberly’s sorry dilemma since she graduated from high school. A smart, attractive girl that could have done anything (except math) but she never really amounted to much. Too bad, so sad.
As it turns out, Kimberly did marry a man that loved to cut her meat for her but she soon discovered that she’d rather cut it herself.
And once again she thought, “Now what?”
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Um. Breathe? Deeply? You are still SO young and so gifted that you can do absolutely anything you want- so the issue is not that you can’t do anything. But look how much you’ve done already and you’re far from finished with those children. So just catch your breath. You have room and time to try classes, (vastly underrated) volunteer work, putzing around with your creative side- anything. I know! Go to culinary arts school and become a chef. (okay, that’s projection. That’s what I want to do when I grow up.)
How lucky are you that you get to write this post and ask yourself these questions? You’l find the answer.
Now, I’m exhausted from all that fun linkage in the previous post and channeling the angst in this one. I’m going to take a nap.
vicki’s last blog post..What Lurks Beneath?
So you didn’t get your degree…do you want one? If you do, there’s nothing stopping you from going back to school now. And as far as what you want to be? Most schools have career counseling offices. Enroll (if its what you want) and then take advantage of the services your school has to offer to help you discover what you want in life.
Just take it one step at a time. You have plenty of time. And I know you will do great at whatever you choose.
Sleeping Mommy’s last blog post..I don?t think I am angry anymore
The great thing about the position you’re in is that you can decide what you want to do, and do just that. Whatever you want.
So. What do you want to do?
Leanne’s last blog post..Introducing … Bits n’ Blurbs!
Nothing wrong with not knowing exactly what you want! But if you think you want to go to school, then you should totally do it! Start off taking one or two classes and see what you think!
Maggie’s last blog post..Summary Saturday – Project 365, Week 6
You can still get your degree.
I got my degree – I didn’t use it. I worked my way up in a field that required constantly polishing your skills to stay on top of the industry. Then I got married… then I fell behind… then I realized that not only was I completely out of touch in the field I had worked my ass off to succeed in when I enjoyed my job in Texas (not the job that ended up in litigation in Oklahoma), but if I wanted to take advantage of my degree, I would have to go back to school for a year to get my teaching certificate up to date. In that amount of time I could probably invest my time in a field that would be more lucrative. Either way, I’m totally screwed at a time I don’t want to be.
I didn’t mean to take over your comments.. what I’m trying to say is college or not – I understand. Don’t kick yourself over not getting a degree. Lots of people with degrees are in the same position.
All you can do is look forward. Without the choices you made you might not have your children. (my justification for every mistake)
Lord I can ramble. I need to write a damned blog post.
xoxo
holli’s last blog post..So what’s the time?
I have my degree and I still feel like this all the time. I’m sorry you’re battling that demon. I get it. I really do. All the things I want to do would mean losing the income I have and I don’t want to change my way of life like that. But, I’ll let you in on a secret. I have no idea what I would do if I could do anything. I want to have that driving passion for something, but for some reason the only thing I come up with is sitting on a Caribbean beach somewhere–and I hardly see that in my long-term future.
First things first though. You do not amount to nothing! And if there is any kind of role model you want to be to your daughters its to make them love themselves. Who cares what you “do.” What matters is who you are. And you are wonderful!!!
MammaLoves’s last blog post..Love, Mamma Style
Find something you have some interest in and go back to school, even part time. That is ow I got to where I am now professionally – and it made all the difference in my relationship too.
SleepyNita’s last blog post..What if it smells like Tuna?
As much as I want you to have something to sink your teeth into (and I know you’ll find it if you are craving it), I want you to know that never once have I looked at you and felt sorry for you. I’ve only looked at you and thought “smart, creative, grounded woman.”
I would advise against volunteering a lot, because it will sap everything from you. Take a class here and there, one at a time, until you find something that you love. I would advise against signing up for a big degree program until you really know what you want. You have the wonderful advantage of being able to take this slowly. Do. A little bit at a time. Taste everything. You have that luxury. Take advantage of it.
Enjoy the journey. I know I’m always on a journey and still don’t know how it all will end. Sometimes it drives me crazy not to know, but for some reason we are not supposed to have complete control over our journey and that’s what turns a journey into an adventure.
xoxo
raehan’s last blog post..Love from the anti-blogger
It could be worse; you could be fifty.
You’re still so young it depresses me. LOL!
I went through somewhat of a crises when I flipped over to the big five-oh and only through reading the accomplishments of people who decided to go back to college in their 60’s and 70’s did I snap out of it. I learned that there is always time, until they plant you. There’s time.
Just try to enjoy the ride.
pam’s last blog post..Noises from another room
I went back to college at about that age.
Although, my plan was more so I could work from home. By MYSELF. Which I enjoy.
annie’s last blog post..I May Be Losing My Mind
Sometimes I also still don’t know what I want to do. For me, it was finding something I always liked doing non-professionally: video. So I’m slowly building a business out of it. I do have background in it, but because I’m lucky enough to not have to work, I can build the business slowly, and get more training along the way. Is there something you love? Photography? Writing? Making stickers? There’s a way to startup your own thing with any of them.
You’re in a good position in that you’re young and you do have some time available to you.
But figuring out what you want is the hardest I think. Once you know what it is you want, the rest is easy(ier).
Stimey’s last blog post..Mother of the Year, Part III
Now what?
I still wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. I am very educated, but big deal. I don’t want to go back to the rat race – no way … no how. I want to be home with my kids now… and later… well, later I’ll decide.
You are WHO you are not WHAT you do. You are strong, powerful, smart, funny, and oh so stylish. You are brave. You are wise. What more do you need to be a role model for your girls? You’ve come a long way, baby!
xoxo
LBC
Ladybug Crossing’s last blog post..Toots…
Hm. You’re intelligent. You write well. You are gorgeous. You have a loving family. Could be worse.
What I am trying to say is that you have the great gift of having whatever it is you want to do be the icing on the cake, and so you can give yourself the freedom to have fun figuring it out.
I hope that makes sense.
Suebob’s last blog post..Bah! One-sided “friendships”
My mom went back when we were all in school. She got her teaching credential and is now a very successful teacher with many years under her belt. Maybe you can do the same, go back for something like writing? You are an excellent writer!
There are many online courses you can take these days rather than actually going to a college campus if that would be a problem.
Smiling Mom’s last blog post..Lesson Learned
Just coming back to amend what I said before a little bit. A ltitle volunteering can be a good thing, when you are trying to figure out what rocks your boat. However, leave lots of time for yourself.
This coming from someone who is totally overextended with volunteering duties right now. Bitter? Yes.
raehan’s last blog post..Love from the anti-blogger
Hey, I (rarely, but it has happened) have people tell me “why did you get a college degree if you ONLY stay home?”
And I agree with some of the earlier comments, college is always an option. My best friend is “in college” again for the third time, getting classes to change her career path. My grandma had to quit high school after her sophomore year (shotgun wedding) and went back many years later, not because anyone expected her to have a GED or any college experience, but because she wanted it for herself.
I have thought about going back to school when my kids get a little older, to get a second degree in something that interests me, not to further or develop a career plan – simply because I love learning.
Your path to fulfillment has nothing to do with whether or not you went to college, it’s about choices you make from here on out. You have so many options in front of you, and it looks like you’ve also got a cheering section of people who are supportive of whatever path you take.
Sunshine’s last blog post..It’s Not a Contest, It’s a Brain Teaser
You are gorgeous, smart, articulate, and awesome.
You are also young and have done the most difficult thing on the plant: Being a SAHM. I know that you want to “Do Something” and I have faith that you will…I don’t know what that means for you, but I am of the opinion that you don’t have to have an amazing career to be a positive member of society.
There are PLENTY of ways to be and feel useful.
I had my first baby at barely 22 as well. I have 420 semester credits and no freaking degree (It.is.a.very.long.story)
Talk about feeling like a useless loser.
So, now? I’m faced with “Go back to school and get a degree and career or have one more baby”
Ug.
Loralee’s last blog post..Sideblog:Increase your Technorati Rank
Why people should keep saying “Now What?” is a mystery. You’re doing great, Kimberly!
Jean-Luc Picard’s last blog post..TWQ: Autobiography Title
You have so many intelligent and thoughtful commenters that I am not sure what I can add to this conversation except to say that I totally get what you are saying because I have been there myself. I went back to college at the age of 36 when my kids were in elementary school and got that diploma when I was 40. It was a long hard road but also a lot of fun. And now I am a teacher and I complain about my job but I wouldn’t trade my path in life with anyone else’s. xoxo
Miz S’s last blog post..Down By The School Yard.
35 mid life? Ha! You got a long way to go baby… whatever you do end up deciding. Remember the old saying: “The grass is always a bit greener on the other side.” The path you choose will fit you just right because it will be yours. Until then volunteer work does fill a great void.
Raehan! When your life is right for it (not when you have two wee ones, one on the way and school) volunteering can be the best thing ever. I’ve come to believe that it is one of the things that keep this country going. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t work in zoo education and at the family homeless shelter. Besides- I look at them as jobs, real professional positions. I know that I am SO blessed to not have to work for a paycheck at this point in my life so, it’s the least I can do. But you are right in the sense that it can sap the life out of you because the one thing about volunteering: once you start they’ll hook you every which way from Sunday. ;-)
vicki’s last blog post..What Lurks Beneath?
Girl, I am 50 years old this year and I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up. I have been the meat cutter for the past 30 years, and find it to be incredibly boring. Get up, go to work, deal with idiots, come home, go to bed, repeat. If you want to go to college. Do it. If you want to start a business, do it. Life is what is happening now, and you get to make of it whatever you want.
Namaste.
Phil’s last blog post..So there I am?
I am riding the same party barge you are on.
I know how you feel- I’m there right now too-!!! your not alone.
Boy does this post resonate. I’m in the same boat you are in, had my first kid when I was twenty, people judged (Why are you wasting your life???), live comfortably now thanks to my husband and my hard work, both kids in school, no sign of an adoption happening any time soon, so what do I do with my life?
I keep staring into the mirror wishing I could figure it out…
Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Bad to Worse
I really want to finish my degree BUT I’m so afraid of failure that I wonder if it’s worth spending the money to even try.
My husband thinks I should “go for it” and like you, I also want to do this to set an example for my kids.
When you figure this out…please let me know what I should do, too. Okay??
Cara’s last blog post..It’s Been Awhile
It sounds like you’ve accomplished plenty, raising your kids and being a good mother and wife. That isn’t an easy job.
And I have my degree in something I’ve never done and have been working for years and still feel like I don’t know what I want to do. I think it is one of life’s big struggles.
You still have plenty of time to go back to school and do what you want. Good luck!
Kristabella’s last blog post..It?s Bacon!
OH MY GOSH- You mean we are supposed to know? At 35? Aw, crap, I am behind again.
That’s a lot of pressure. How about some hot chocolate?
Meg’s last blog post..Just A Couple Of The Changes We Made
You have so many great comments here — what else to add? If you ask me, you’ve done an awesome job — raising your family, creating a home, and supporting your husband in his career. Give yourself credit – you and your husband have done it as a team!
Dabbling in a class here & there sounds nice — if you want to! No one says you have to have a degree. Maybe you’ll go that way if you decide it’s what you want. If you want to explore your interests, What Color is Your Parachute is a great book. Wishcraft is another really good one.
Take your time! There is no hurry!
Marie’s last blog post..Missing
Go for it! Go to school, get your business degree and start your own business. You always talked about owning a restaurant or a bed and breakfast. Well, do it! You have the talent so get out there and show it off.
Well, you know you can write. And I’ll bet there are all kinds of journals, weeklies, tracts, etc., who would welcome whatever you chose to write. Find your way. Neat thing is you can mostly do this on your own time without upsetting the home life.
On the other hand, never mind. You’re a lovely person and you’re doing great work (as in Poifect Posts). You really got nothing to worry about, kid.
Old Horsetail Snake’s last blog post..Art Made Simple
Ummm, dude, I’m 39 and I’m in the process of trying. to. stay. at. home. I have a degree, and I worked in my field for 10 years; travel internationally, multimillion $$ budgets, etc… and it was really fun. BUT, it was a job! I got burned out and now you couldn’t pay me enough to consider it. While I know it’s no cake walk at home what I really want right now is to be at home w/my babies.
I think you’re having an off day (come sit next to me, we love company at the pity party!) A degree will give you a step up and maybe help w/a promotion, but ultimately it isn’t going to be the reason you do or don’t suceed at a career/job. My suggestion; freelance. You like to write, right? Why not write some articles for some blogzines? Maybe talk to some others who do this for a living and find out how they got their foot in the door. In the process, you might be doing research for an article and discover you love something else.
mama speak’s last blog post..Back At It
You have most definitely amounted to SOMETHING. Something pretty wonderful.
You have a great capacity for compassion and empathy. Have you considered doing something where you could put those gifts to use?
I wish I could give you a hug right now.
I say, get out there and volunteer your heart out until you find out what floats your boat!
maggie’s last blog post..About Parenting
I have a degree that I don’t use in my job. I still have no clue what I want to do when I grow up. I never imagined I would be where I am. But that’s life. You can plan for it, not plan for it, whatever, but life is going to come in and take over and do with you what it wills.
You can go to school, volunteer – at your girls’ schools or someplace else -, hell, get a part-time job as a barista at Starbucks and talk to people who pay for overpriced coffee. Have fun with the options you have. You already got your Jazzercise certificate – that’s not nothing! Find something else you have an interest in and do it. Whatever you set your mind to you will be successful.
InterstellarLass’s last blog post..Reconnecting
I have this overwhelming sense of foreboding all of a sudden.
I wish I could be supportive – but now I’m just scared shitless. For me. (Because I am selfless like that.)
Miss Britt’s last blog post..the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog in lower case!
Don’t feel bad. I think we all feel like that from time to time – whether we didn’t finish high school, didn’t finish college, or didn’t win the Nobel prize. It’s healthy to ask yourself at points throughout your life what you want to be when you grow up. I finished college and some graduate school, have a pretty cool job, will be 40 this year; and still wonder what I want to be when I grow up. As long as you’re never completely satisfied, and you’re not afraid to challenge yourself to change, you’ll never stop growing.
I certainly relate to this post. I can’t do math either and never got a degree. Now I’m married with 3 kids and if I ever return to school it will be a long time away. Even so, I never knew what I wanted to do and still don’t. I have a million interests.
Summer’s last blog post..Mommy Brain
You still have so much time! I do understand, though, that restlessness, that need to make something of yourself. You’re a great writer. Can you do something with that? Become a professional blogger, a freelancer? Can you go back to school, even through distance learning?
Caryn’s last blog post..Help Me, Hollywood! (Or, Six Things I’ve Learned from Movies)
First of all, what you’ve accomplished is nowhere near NOTHING. Secondly, don’t assume that working gives you any sense of accomplishment. Take it from me, it feels like a waste of life most of the time. Thirdly, how about doing something GOOD for the world. Something that really gets you fired up? Something that will make a DIFFERENCE in a way that’s really meaningful to you, and that will benefit others… Now, THAT is what makes you feel GREAT! Looking forward to seeing what you decide… ROCK ON!
You have accomplished way more than most people. The good thing about you is that you are not stuck in a job. You have the time to truly discover what you want to do. Most people are stuck working in a job they thought they would enjoy or a job just to pay the bills. You are a terrific role model to your girls.