A couple of days ago, I stopped by Target for a few things after I dropped off the kids at school. Halfway though the toy section for no good reason, I realized that I forgot my list. I need my list. Without The List I am a wanderer, a Target hippie without a care. So I begin walking through the isles like an alcoholic in a wine shop, “I think I need this. I’m pretty sure I need this. I’d better get this… just in case. I’d hate to run out.”

Being that we have a Super Target, there’s a lot of ground to cover and in order to make sure I didn’t forget anything, I needed to cover it all. When I was almost through the retail section and about to become a grocery nomad, the store quickly became thick with the post-Gymboree crowd.

Mothers with 5 kids per cart and a cell phone stuck to their ear maneuvered around the store without a glance between isles. Me, a mom without kids, must have been considered collateral damage because at more than one intersection, a shopping cart crossed atop my flip-flopped feet. The look I got was, “Oh, you understand.” Followed by a beat of assessment and then another look, “I hate you. Your kids are in school aren’t they? And you get to shop alone?? Come here and let me run over your foot again BYOTCH!”.

I was through the frozen food, the dog food section and starting to feel major Target fatigue. My cart was too heavy to push. The Starbucks mini cafe had a line around the produce section and I really needed another cup of coffee. My feet hurt and I was hungry. I had no idea if I had collected all of the things on my missing list but I knew had to get out of there before I got angry. My Free-Target-Love mood was over.

I cut up the middle of the store and ended up behind 2 twenty-something girlys walking slow as molasses past the juniors section. They were window shopping as the walked and taking up the whole isle so I was forced to limp behind and play audience to their conversation.

Girl 1: Ooooohhhh, that’s cute!
Girl 2: Yeah, but too baggy.
Girl 1: What about this? I love it in red.
Girl 2: Michelle has that same top. You’d look like her twin.
Girl 1: Okay. Oh! What about that shirt?? That looks perfect!!
Girl 2: Ew. That’s like totally something my mother would wear in the 80’s! Gross!
Me: (Finally losing it and leaping on top of Girl 2 from behind like The Hulk) The 80’s?? Hold still, you little shit, so I can hog tie you with this jump rope from the dollar bin and beat you senseless with this frozen cornish game hen !!

Of course, that’s not what actually happened. However, playing the scenario out in my mind (over and over again) got me through the check out line and all way to the car with a smile on my face.

Hey, whatever it takes, right?

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