Last Monday, we were without power due to a storm. I was home alone that afternoon putting laundry away and generally tidying up after just returning from vacation. With no more chores to tackle sans electricity, I decided to explore a box of old memories.
The box had been sitting there for over two weeks just staring at me - almost daring me to look inside and remember who I once was and who I said I would become. When we had unearthed it from the garage of the old house weeks before, I considered just tossing the whole thing in to the garbage. I had not seen it’s contents in many years and probably could do without a refresher course in the old me. Instead, I brought it here and let it taunt me as I knew it would.
In my early formative years (I use the word “early” because I’m still forming), I was a pack rat so I attacked the box with a cleansing attitude. Let’s just throw this stupid shit out. And I did - most of it. Inside were a million random greeting cards that I guess I thought I would need one day, all kinds of silly things like neon gummy bracelets, movie ticket stubs from the 80’s that were smiled at and quickly put in the trash pile and my Tom Cruise Fan Club Membership letter. I hung on to that one.
I did discover a few treasures besides Tom’s reproduced autograph. I found a collection of poems that I wrote during my Hot Mess Period (ages 18 - 20). Boy, was I confused. Here is a sampling:
LOST Circles are never ending and time drips like a broken faucet. Days are filled with meaningless apointments and being my own best friend. Nights are used wisely, to forget the days. Choosing short paths that eventually lead nowhere but are appeasing for the mere fact that they kill time and provide scenery. Questioning myself but not knowing what else to ask.
It is an endless journey that overwhelms and exhausts me. And when I awake, I find myself alone in my bed and I have not travelled at all.
I could have really used a blog then…or a good shrink. Actually, I remember asking my mother for therapy for my 19th birthday. All of the cool kids were doing it (I lived with actors) and to be quite honest, I could have done with some mental reshaping…or a good kick in the ass.
Back to the box. As I sat criss-cross-applesauce and sorted through my sad state of affairs, my husband called. He wanted to know if I had the heard the tragic news about Virgina Tech. I hadn’t. I put the box away and silently said a prayer.
A week later, I am looking at the box and my past with a new understanding. I thought that opening The Box would shed light on old wounds of regret and shame. Instead, I found something completely different. I found a piece of my strength. For at 19, I may have been temporarily missing …but I wasn’t lost.
From what I know of your past, you were a brave, talented, smart young woman that took risks and went with your heart. That is the best thing of all to be at that age. Now I know you wre just as self-reflective and thoughtful then as you are now.
Funny, I am also going through old boxes. I’ll blog about it, too, when I come up for air. I’m on a major organzing frenzy. I’m a crazy woman.
I think blogs are better than therapy in some ways.
Maybe you needed therapy..?? but I can tell you at 19 that was very mature writing..that’s a bit how I felt though my 20’s but never quite knew how to say it. I’m going to have to make myself take time and read all your posts..you have some great stuff. Glad I found it and bookmarked it.
It’s always great when you walk away from a visit to your past with more wisdom than when you went.
Blogging is certainly my therapy. Your emotions and words convey your strength!
I have several of those boxes…none of them contain insightful poetry though. Don’t throw out those memories.
I have a box just like that. For some reason, I can’t make myself throw that stuff away, even though I never look at any of it. I guess it’s a link to my past that I like knowing is there, just in case.
pay for the tree and dont tell anyone. just dont say a thing. It will really piss your neighbor off ever more. She will have to WONDER what is happening!!
FUN!