I have ridden a horse in years…mostly because I had no idea how freaking adorable the clothes are!
For months, I have been eyeing the women in town that wear the cute horse pants and those sweet broken-in riding boots. (And yes, I now realize that they are not called “horse pants” - but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.) I have been admiring their style and equestrian accessories with a hankerin’ for some of my own. (Not coveting - hankerin’. It’s different.)
See? The clothes make you sexy. You want an outfit now too, don’t you?
Last week at my daughter’s “Intro to Horseback Riding” lesson, I checked out the outfits on her instructor and the lady that owns the farm. They were both wearing polo shirts, slick “horse pants” and riding boots. I wanted an outfit like that and I also wanted to ride me a horse. I’m not sure which want was greater but I gave in to them both so there was no need to split hairs over it.
I asked the instructor, Mary, where I could get some of these cool duds and she pointed me in the direction of a Saddlery Liquidator not far from here. Sweet Baby Jesus. We each needed helmets and riding boots before our next lesson so to town we went.
This place was a warehouse as big as a football field filled with everything and anything you could think of about a horse. Feed, tack, clothing, and lots of other stuff I had never laid eyes on before in my life. And it was hotter than Haiti in there. No AC in the 95 degree heat soon made me able to smell myself. Are you getting the pretty picture?
There were huge fans everywhere blowing the hot air around and nary a sales person in sight. Since I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, I dove right in. The helmets were easy so we moved on to the boots. I wanted the tall kind I had been drooling over and found a pair that fit the bill. Now I had to find someone to get them in my size. Once I cornered the guy who was running the joint, he looked me up and down and said, “Where’s your breeches? You need to put on breeches before you try on boots.”
Light bulb. They are not called “horse pants” but breeches and I was gonna get me some. I grabbed 3 pair and found a dressing room. Now, I have to tell you that I had a vision of what I would look like in this outfit - and it was good.
Very good indeed.
However, my sweaty fat ass had another agenda entirely. Picture me in a tiny dressing room, covered in perspiration trying to pull up thick breeches that are as tight as a freaking girdle.
The dressing room had one of those shower curtain-like entrances but the curtain was nothing more than a thin cotton sheet being blown by the numerous fans around the warehouse. My butt was up against a huge mirror as I was pulling with all my might to get these damn things on. My daughter (bless her heart) was trying to keep the sheet (and my dignity) intact by holding it steady against the wind. I know everyone in that store saw my freckled bee-hind and pink thong that day. I just know it.
These pants, breeches, should come with a warning label that reads:
PLEASE NOTE THAT EVERY OUNCE OF FAT AND CELLULITE ON YOUR BODY WILL SHOW THROUGH THIS GARMENT. YOU MUST HAVE A NICE ASS TO WEAR THIS.
THAT MEANS YOU NEED TO PUT THIS GARMENT DOWN - AND THE MILKSHAKE TOO.
So after much struggle and bodily exposure, I got the breeches up, was immediately horrified and quickly began the painful process of taking them off. I looked like Ms. Piggy in a cat suit.
I found a pair that were not as tight - and not as cute- and settled for them. I had to settle on boots too because apparently you “don’t need the tall boots unless you are going to show your horse”. Well, excuuuuuuse me.
What. Ever. I was done. We all stunk, had headaches from the heat and I felt like a lumpy stuffed sausage. And this was not what I had in mind when I had visions of horse pants dancing through my head. Not. At. All.
I’m cracking up over here! You’re story of trying to put those tight pants on when you’re all sweaty, reminds me of the Friend’s episode with Ross and the leather pants.
I bet you look “hot” in your breeches. :wink:
Dude… I WORE those in high school (I had a show horse, and I decided that I would try English for a while …
. Try putting those pants on in the back of a horse trailer that smells like poo and hay, in 100 degree heat, with your mother spraying you with some sort of water concoction to “make you feel cooler”. Yeah… not so nice scene.
But I DID look hot in them. And I think only teenagers can pull those pants off. Or put them on. You know what I mean.
Ficklechick - yeah! The leather PANTS episode! MommaK, you should keep a travel size container of baby powder in your gucci. You know, I’m just saying. In case you ever wanna try that again.
:rofl:
Go with the jodhpurs, they’re wider at the hips and thus more comfy.
But I’ll bet you looked cute either way.
I second the notion that only teenagers can pull off those pants. But, that was a helluva funny story…
Sucks about the tall boots, though, they look pretty bad ass, and they protect your entire bottom half of leg from manure!
I’d say if you ever had baby, gained more than an ounce, ever, you’d have trouble wearing those breeches!
Hey, at least you got new clothes, even if they weren’t the ones you were going for.
{{hugs}}}
You are so cute MommaK.
I know exactly what you mean…..when I send away for clothes (which I don’t do anymore!!) I say it doesn’t look like that in the picture???!
Hysterical! I don’t know what mirror you were looking into but I know you are not big. Shall I send a you a picture of me? Now that is BIG!
It’s my swimwear nightmare all over again. I prefer the western “Ropers” jeans. The dressage pants would accentuate a bit much for me.
Oh what a painful experience!! One I wouldn’t want to put myself through!! I’d have bought the tall boots anyway! Just watch me wear these boots and not show a horse!! LOL!
Yeah. I’m thinking that I would not be a ‘vision of loveliness’ in those pants. Those catalog photos are totally retouched.
Am getting one of Brookstones new exercise horses. Not sure if it works or not, but it has one immediate and fun affect that might make me so happy, I can just sit and write and write….
Oh, geez, things have changed! When I rode, they were called Jodhpurs. They were fairly slim fitting, but I think with much heavier fabric, leather just at the inside knee. They were tight at the calf and ended mid-calf cuz you always wore the tall boots.
What the hell is with that ridiculous pattern all along the butt? Who wants their butt outlined like that?
Mkay, first clue? If its sold at any place who’s name even slighty resembles “Saddlery Liquidators” you need NOT add that clothing item to your wardrobe. Regardless of how ass-smacking hot we THINK we may look in said clothing item. Second clue? Its in a store that also sells feed & tack. Put the credit card away & walk away. Rapidly.
I am cracking up. At least you had someone sort of helping you to tell you that the tall boots were overkill. I would have shown up to practice in the tan pants, tall boots, helmet AND fancy long black blazer.
OMG…I was totally laughing…with you! Of ocurse. Don’t you hate when you have those lovely visions in your head and then you get smacked in the face with a reality check.
I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you made it out though!
I laughed so hard…
and that was when I was young, hot and skinny, you would see that I feel your pain. Noone looks good in them…. I had navy blue pair and then the beige ones mostly for shows. They made you grow shelf hips where there were none before. THe boots were also a joke…
If you even knew the horrors that I had with jodphurs (as us folks call them…
My father gave me many weird genes and one of them is ENORMO calves so you can imagine the charade of trying to get on the boots o doom. I finally found a way that worked. Put my jodphured chunky leg into a plastic grocery bag and then slide on the boot that way. Everytime without fail, the bag broke in the exertion and I ended up with my leg in but grocery bag over the top of the boot….
Should I go on?
Enjoy riding….
The attire does it no justice…
Great post!
_ (”
Š from
I can’t stop laughing…sorry….
At least it gave you something to write about..
You can buy any boots you want..pfffffffffft at that sales guy…
They make a stretch jean breeches and I like those..
Better yet go western…chaps, hat, boots..yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaawwwww
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=’:'=) hugs
(”
the Cool Raggedy one
You are bravely traveling into unknown territory and trying hard not to look like the city chick in the country! Good for you!
Outside of the teenagers, the women who look good in such things have their own methods… personal trainers, chain-smoking, cocaine, liposuction, all the kind of things us mere mortals don’t have.
Wow, I wouldn’t even dare to consider such pants. You are brave. I think the looser the better.
Good for you to try out horse lessons. Wish I could see you riding. :shocked:
Okay, but where’s the picture of YOU in your riding gear? Huh? Huh? Project Runway Laura wore breeches (and the high boots) a few weeks ago, so Lady, you are definitely In Style now!
See, the problem is that ONCE we would have looked incredibly hot in pants like that, and our minds will simply not accept that things have changed. But the story was hilarious.
This sounds like what happens to me every time I shop for any kind of pants. dang ol’ butt & the belly thing in front…whats up with that?
:rofl:
OMG I haven’t laughed that hard in a LONG time!! I think I’d much rather wear chaps and spurs if I was gonna ride a horse (which I’ve never done ) :shocked: There’s just something about them breeches that kind of scares me!!! But I’m sure you looked great, and congrats on taking riding lessons, that’s awesome!
Yes, you do look dumb starting out in breeches and tall boots. Stick to jodpurs with knee patches[not full seats, which are meant for riders who actually have to USE their seat]
Tall boots DON’T protect from manure, and i don’t know why you’d get crap that high up on your leg anyways. you’re not skipping through it. Plus, leather care in horsebackriding is a big deal. Leather goods are to be treated like your babies, and kept immaculate.
you’re right, Only teenagers and freakishly skinny women can pull those pants off. however, work at a barn long enough and the pounds will drop off as you’re shoveling shit.
Blackblazer= Jacket. comes in many colors, only wear black if you’re doing dressage.
Tack shops are some of the only places to try on riding clothes, so embrace the feed and leather goods around you as you try to get those pants on.
Many pants are made with more of a lycra blend, so they are not as heavy, are much stretchier/comfy, but they are a little clingy.
Plus, baggy pants in riding is much more hienious than a 10 pound potatoe ina 5lb sack.
Have fun riding! It’s rough, sweaty, humbling and extremely rewarding